Trampoline (Conversations With My Niece)

Her: Are you going to put up our trampoline?

Me: Yes. I’ve looked forward to this all year.

Her: Are you making fun of me?

Me: No. I’m your favorite uncle and I love you. Remember?

Her: Now I know you’re making fun of me.

Me: Are you going to keep talking, or, do you want me to put this together?

Her: Why can’t we do both? Can’t you do two things at one time?

Me: Yes but if you had to choose talking to me, or, me putting together the trampoline, which would you choose?

Her: That’s easy. Put the trampoline together.

(An hour and a half later)

Me: There you go. It’s ready. Try it out.

Her: You try it out first to see if it works. I don’t want to fall.

Me: But it’s okay with you if I fall?

Her: It’s funnier when you fall. It’s REALLY funny.

Me: You don’t think I can do the trampoline do you? You think I’m old, don’t you? You think I’m lame, don’t you?

Her: Well, you are kind of old.

Me: Watch this! (Managed to do one back flip on the trampoline).

Her: Okay, I’ll try it now. Do you want to jump with me?

Me: No.

Her: Why not?

Me: I just learned that I should never, under any circumstances, put my butt higher than my head.

Her: Goodbye Poopie Head.

Bail Money (Conversations With My Niece)

Her:  When are you going to write a blog again?

Me:   Soon I hope.  Hey!  I’ve been busy!

Her:  You need to write a blog now.

Me:   Why don’t you write a blog?  You keep saying you’re going to write one but just like everything else you say you will do for me, somehow a Disney Princess movie gets in the way.

Her:  I’ve been busy doing stuff.  I have a lot of things to do.  I have to go to school and do chores and take care of my pets and . . .

Me:  Let’s just stop there and agree that you have SOME things to do.  What have you done for me lately?

Her:  I made you that Valentine’s Day card!

Me:   I got it.  Somehow though I think that had more to you and glue and glitter than it did with me.

Her:  You think you know everything, don’t you?

Me:  Yes. It’s about time you figured that out too.

Her:  Did you know that if we have one more day called off because of snow, we have to go to class all the way until June 1?  I don’t think that’s fair.

Me:   I think it’s fair.  I think you should have to go to school everyday until September 1 and then start the new school year on
September 2.

Her:  No way!  Why?

Me:   Because I don’t have time to keep bailing you out of jail during summer vacation.

Her:  Why would I go to jail?

Me:   Well, if my instincts are right, it’s only a matter of time.

Her:  Goodbye Poopie Head.

Set The Goldfish Free! (Converations With My Niece)

From When She Was Almost 6 Years Old

Her:  I think I did something wrong.

Me:   Let me consult my Magic 8 Ball.  The answer displayed is, “All Signs Point to Yes.”

Her:  Do you remember my goldfish?

Me:   Fish Stick and Charlie the Tuna?  Yup … I remember them.

Her:  Well something happened.

Me:   Does this involve a cat?  Because, if it does, I need to go make some popcorn.

Her:  No, but when I woke up today, Fish Stick was dead.  When I told sissy she said that sometimes fish like that don’t live very long but I had him for a long time.

Me:   Well, sissy is right.  You might have done everything right to take care of him but you never really know how old they are when you get them.   I don’t even know how long goldfish live.   Fish Stick might of been 200 years old for all we know.

Her:  So anyway, I didn’t know what to do and sissy said I should just flush him down the toilet so that’s what I did.

Me:   I’ll bet it looked like it was swimming when it went down didn’t it?  That’s the best way to remember him I think.

Her:  So anyway, later I was thinking about that movie with Nemo in it and how all he wanted to do was get back to the ocean to be with his friends and his family.

Me:   Are you sure this story doesn’t have a cat attack in it somewhere? I could really get into a story like that.

Her:  No. it doesn’t.  Anyway, I thought about how sad Charlie the Tuna was going to be without Fish Stick so I had a good idea.  I would let him go to the ocean and he could find his family and friends like Nemo did.

Me:   Oh, brother.  You flushed Charlie the Tuna too didn’t you?

Her:  Well, I thought he would be sad without Fish Stick and that he’d be happier in the ocean.

Me:   Do you know how far from the ocean we live?

Her:  That’s what mama said.  She said he just went down to the sewer.  I didn’t mean to do that to him.

Me:   Well, you know what?  Maybe he went to the Mississippi River because he is a fresh-water fish not a salt-water fish.

Her:  You think that could have happened?

Me:   It might have.

Her:  I hope so because I feel bad and now and I know I shouldn’t have done that.

Me:   Well, next time you want to flush something like that, how about I help you try Uncle Robbie?

Her:  Goodbye Poopie Head.

Book Report (Conversations With My Niece)

Her:  So, are you going to help me?

Me:  I’m sorry.  I don’t do brain surgery.

Her:  No!  With my book report?  I have to write a whole page and a half on Sacajawea.

Me:  The girl who won American Idol?  Yeah, she was pretty good wasn’t she?

Her:  NO! She’s the Indian lady who helped Lewis & Clark.  You DO know who they were, don’t you?

Me:  Of course I do.  Everyone knows who there were.

Her:  Okay.  Who were they then?

Me:  DUH!  The played shortstop and 2nd base for the Baltimore Orioles!

Her:  Do you really not know about this stuff?

Me:  What stuff?

Her:  Are you going to help me or not?  All I need help with is the opening part.  I have all the notes and facts.

Me:  Okay.  I guess.

Her:   I’m waiting!  You can give me an idea, can’t you?  You can at least do that, right?

Me:  Okay, take this down.  Once upon a time, a long time ago, there was an Indian lady named Sacajawea.  She met Lewis & Clark who were supposed to explore this place somewhere.  She rode on a big elephant, that kind of looked like Dumbo.  Abraham Lincoln and George Washington wanted to ride it but she said, “no, no.  I have to help Lewis and Clark.”  So she started leading the way but somehow they took a wrong turn and wound up down in Florida.   “How in the heck did we get here?,” asked Lewis and Clark.  Then they just all laughed and laughed.

Her:  ::::staring at me::::  Goodbye Poopie Head.

Super Bowl Saturday (Conversations With My Niece)

Her:  So who all is going to be at the game today?  Will I be on your team? When will you come to get me? Do we go eat after the game?  What should I wear?

Me:  Do you know you ask me these questions every year?

Her:  Do you know you change the answers every year?

Me:  It’s going to be a bunch of your uncles, your cousins, Mikey, Billy, and other friends.  I haven’t decided what team you will be on yet.  Don’t you think you should be on Mikey’s team this year?

Her:  Mikey likes me.  He will LET me be on his team and you will wish I was on your team when we beat you.

Me:  My eyes are already filling with tears at the thought.

Her:  Okay.  I’m ready to go.  You can come get me now.

Me:  Listen Miss Attitude, I’ll be there when I can or you can go call your cop friend Mikey to pick you up.  Of course, I always envisioned your first ride in a police car to be for some other reason.

Her:  I was kidding.  I want you to pick me up and I want to be on your team.

Me:  I know.

Her:  Then why did you make me worry about it?

Me:  Because you’re Irish.  You’re supposed to worry about stuff.

Her:  Hey! I thought of a good play too.  You get the ball and run and then I’ll run around on the field and kick all my uncles in their butts!

Me:  Perfect.  Also, take all your birthday money out of your piggy bank.

Her:  Why?!?!

Me:  Someone has to buy the beer at the pub after the game you know?

Her:  Hurry up!  Goodbye Poopie Head.

Birthday Pony (Conversations With My Niece)

Her:  Did you like my birthday party?

Me:   I suppose.  Did you like your presents? I didn’t even get ONE  present. That was so lame.

Her:  Yes.  I liked them all but remember that I told you I wanted a pony? And you’re not supposed to get presents on my birthday.

Me:  Yes, I remember.  I remember telling you that you were too young for a quarter barrel of beer though.

Her:  Not that kind! A PONY pony.

Me:   Yes.  I remember that in your 8 year old “it’s all about me” world, kids often get ponies for their birthday’s and that you will require years of therapy to overcome the trauma caused by you not  getting one from your favorite uncle.

Her:   But, you got me a pony!  And you got me a barn and a coral for it too!

Me:   Do you mean that toy pony and that other stuff?

Her:  Yes.  Did you think I meant I wanted you to get me a “real” pony?

Me:   The thought did cross my mind since it was you I was dealing with.  Did you give the toy pony a name?

Her:   Not yet but I think I will name it after you.  “Poopie Head.”

Banana-Fana (Conversations With My Niece)?

Me:   Hello?

Her:  Knock-knock.

Me:  Banana.

Her:  Huh? No! You’re supposed to say “Who’s there!?”

Me:  Okay

Her:  Knock-knock.

Me:  Banana.

Her:  No! You’re doing it wrong.  Say, “who’s there!?”

Me:  Okay.

Her:  Knock-knock.

Me:  Orange.

Her:  What’s wrong with you!?!

Me:  Aren’t you glad I didn’t say banana?

Her:  Goodbye Poopie Head.